Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
