2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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