Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
not ubering you a puppy
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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