thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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