kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
