how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
