No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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