I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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