Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
where are my eyebrows?
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