took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
