If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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