I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
