My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
