I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
