8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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