I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
