Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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