does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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