I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
