Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
