bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
