Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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