I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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