so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
