I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
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