I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
