ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I've blown a few things in my day
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
