my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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