I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize