I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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