i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
