Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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