If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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