Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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