Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
what day is it and did you see me today?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
