does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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