I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
