She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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