just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
