Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
