I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
