Umm I'm too high to move.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
