God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
