If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
