why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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