i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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