I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
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So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
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Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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