I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
