The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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