Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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