3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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