Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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