I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Randomize
