It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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