so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
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Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
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My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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