my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just pee around me
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
