Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
