i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
